Qusetioning

I have been a blog stalker on several blogs for a while now. I sit at my computer and read the most touching stories ever. Some are sad, some are happy, and some are a mixture of the two. I always try to maintain my composure while reading the sad ones, especially while my children are awake. When I learned that Kayleigh had taken a turn for the worse, I couldn't contain it and I lost it. Kevin walked in and asked me what was wrong. I had him sit down and read her story. He didn't read all of it, but enough to understand her and her family’s situation. He got upset and made the comment that he didn't like me reading these stories because it makes me sad. Quite frankly, he is right. It does make me sad. It also makes me question why God lets people struggle. Why he takes the little ones? Why is there pain and suffering? Why does my granny have to struggle to take each and every breath that she has left? Why??????

I know that people say He does things for a reason. What that reason is, we don't know. Heck, I have said that numerous times, probably too many times to count. It still doesn't help to hear that.

I also know that people say that He doesn't give us any more than we can handle. Seriously? How much more can we handle?

Kevin's mom has been gone less than 2 years and to be honest, it seems like more than that. Now we are having to do this again and honestly it doesn't seem fair.

I know that life isn’t fair. You don’t have to tell me that because believe me, I know.

Maybe I am having a little pity party here for myself and my family. Maybe this is a sign of weakness on my part. Maybe God is testing my faith in Him and His will.

I just don't know right now. A friend of mine (you know who you are) made the comment to me the other day that she was reading her pastor's blog and he had a topic pretty close to this subject. He stated that when we quit questioning God and accept the fact that He is in control and isn't going to give us the answers, is when we truly understand God and can grow closer to Him. I just don’t think that I am quite there yet.

Does this mean that I am turning away from God?

Without hesitation, I will say absolutely not.

“What does this mean?” you ask.

It means that I am a Christian looking to answers that I am not going to get.

At least not until I get to Heaven and can ask the Man himself.